There is no manual on how to heal

As much as my book is a helpful resource to many, on the journey to their own healing, it is not really a manual on how to heal. That’s because there is no set process. There is no 12 step program for you to follow. Healing is an intensely personal matter and each of us has to find their own way.

That said: Let me give you some general advice on how to heal from child sexual abuse.

The first advice on how to heal

“Don’t blindly follow anyone’s advice on how to heal.”
Healing from child sexual abuse is a personal matter and you are the expert of your own trauma. You know exactly what bothers you most and what aggravates you the most. Thats why you and only you can determine what is right for you. You are the one who knows how to heal. The therapists are just the hired help to get you there.

The second bit of advice on how to heal

Choose a type of therapy or counselling carefully. There are many different types of therapy. The type that is going to help you best is the one that you feel most comfortable with, or the one that offers the most learning. There’s quite a few choices to make in that respect. Get a general idea on how you would like to address your trauma in therapy and find the type of therapy that is most likely to offer you the help you need.

Some of the choices out there:

• Cognitive: May help if you need help understanding what happened
• Physical: May help if you have body memories, flashbacks or nightmares
• Creative: May help if you have a difficult time expressing things in words
• Systemic: May help if you need to change something in the way you respond to your (family) system
• Interactive: May help if you have recurring behavioral patterns that you need to address.

Choosing one of these areas as a focus point will narrow down your options and will give you a framework on which to base your choices.

Advice number three: Find a therapist you trust

If you hire someone to clean your house or babysit your kids, you’re likely to interview several people and choose the one you feel can do the best job for you. Someone that fits within your home and family. When you’re looking for a therapist or counsellor be sure to use the same caution. Interview several. The intake process works both ways. Have a list of questions that you want answered when you go in for your first appointment.

Think of questions like:

• Personality: What is the therapist like? Does he or she put you at ease? Do you like the furnishings, the overal setting? What’s your first impression?
• Diploma’s: Where did the therapist study, what did he/she study. Which additional courses? Has he/she kept up with the latest developments?
• Experience: Does he or she have experience with healing child sexual abuse? Has he or she worked with survivors of child sexual abuse before? Is he or she a survivor?
• Goal: What does the therapist think the goal for therapy should be: coping or healing? Does that fit with your wishes for the therapy?
• Reputation: Does the therapist have a good reputation? Can you check references?

If you get satisfactory answers to all those questions, you may have found your therapist for that particular point in time.

There are many stages to healing

The fourth bit of advice is to expect that you are not likely to be able to heal everything with just one therapist or type of therapy. If that does happen, you’re the exception to the rule. Most people will go through a series of therapies, each building on the achievements of the others. Some therapies will help you cope better with your every day life, others will delve into the trauma so you can break through the patterns that cause your every day life stresses and turmoil. Each is important and necessary at different stages of recovery. There is not just one ‘right’ way to heal from child sexual abuse.

Advice five: Expect setbacks

Count on setbacks. Plan for them. Realize that you can’t tackle the problems of a lifetime in five weeks of therapy. The road to recovery is littered with pittfalls and roadblocks. If you realize this at the outset and know that it’s all part of the process, you may be able to take them in stride. Plan on how you are going to deal with the inevitable setbacks. Make them less stressful and more playful. Don’t get mad when you fall off the horse. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and smile.