My partner was sexually abused

Your partner was sexually abused

0022At some point in your relationship you came to find out your partner was sexually abused as a child.
Ideally your partner told you this before you started a relationship, but it doesn’t always work this way.
Some survivors from sexual abuse don’t know they were abused because of suppression or dissociation. Others do know but don’t want to talk about it, yet.

“Sweetheart, I’ve been sexually abused”

It’s not that easy to talk about, especially when you just start a new relationship. That’s why your loved one keeps quiet about it or procrastinates in telling you. Then all of a sudden you’re confronted with a dark cloud from the past. Your lover was hurt. Deeply.

Anger

It’s natural to become angry. But your partner will probably react in a different manner. It’s strange to realize that he/she may not share your anger. Especially when this is the first time he/she shares this, your partner may be inclined, out of misplaced loyalty, to defend the abuser. I think it’s important to remember that, although you feel like a bomb has just dropped on you, she has lived with this a long time. Knowingly or not.

Partners need help

At one point in my coaching practice my clients consisted of partners more than survivors. Men (and women) who’ve tried so hard for so long to be the ideal. understanding partner, but get stuck in: will it ever get any better? and When will we ever have a “normal” relationship?

It’s not easy being the partner of …

What are expectations of a so-called normal relationship? Intimacy, sexuality? Sure. Holding hands? Absolutely. Partners go without for long periods of time. Sometimes years. Add to that the unexpected, irrational outbursts when their loved ones are triggered and as a partner you can feel extremely lonely in your relationship.
You can call it a secondary trauma, if you will.

Don’t heal your partner, heal yourself

The question I most often hear is: Can you heal my partner?
I would like to share a very important tip: Please,help yourself.
You cannot change another person. The only thing you can change is your reaction to the other person. What can you do to change the pattern of you feeling sorry for and being scared of triggering your mate. Be conscious of what your wants and needs are.
Communicate. Communicate often.

 

For more information about the long term effects of child sexual abuse and how to heal from them, buy the book ‘I Thrive. Healing child sexual abuse’ at Amazon.com There’s a chapter in it geared towards partners specifically, but in addition, it will further your understanding of what child sexual abuse can do and how it can play out in the adult survivor.

New book on partners

note: Ivonne is writing another book as we speak, about partners of sexually abused survivors. Filled with tips and based on her experience as a coach to both survivors from sexual abuse as well as their partners. We will keep you posted. Expected in Dutch in April 2016.

Real Hunks – male survivors of child sexual abuse

For the real hunks out there

0011This is for all you guys out there.
I’ve coached quite a few men who were healing from sexual abuse. Men usually suffer from blame and shame even more than women: ‘I should’ve fought back, I should’ve knocked him in the you know whats, I’m probably gay because my body responded…’

Our society and our myths about men

  • Real man are tough
  • You’re a wimp when you cry

oh and how about this one:

  • There’s three things men think about: sex, sex and sex….

There’s a lot of misguided notions about what it means to be a real man. Media is a great way to enforce this myth. The biggest hunks always get the fastest cars and the prettiest women. As long as you drink gallons of beer and enjoy sex you’re IT.

Fortunately society is changing. Slowly

It doesn’t matter how many people still believe in those things:
Forced sex is never, ever enjoyable!
Not for women, not for men.
EVER.

Then how come my body “betrays” me?

Truth is it doesn’t.
It just responds the only way it knows how. Naturally.
Does your mouth water when eating a tart apple? Yep.
Does your mouth know whether you chose that apple or whether somebody forced it down your throat?
Heck no…

Male survivors and how to ‘help’ them

A lady once asked me how she could “help” her ( sexually abused) partner.
In my book “I Thrive” I’ve included a letter from a male survivor. His answer is very clear and very personal. He describes how he would like his partner to deal with his past.
The letter was written at the end of his healing process. It took him a while and it took courage and effort.

You are a real hunk

By now he left his trauma behind and he is in a steady, loving relationship.
He’s a real HUNK.
And so are you!

 

For more information about the long term effects of child sexual abuse and how to heal from them, buy the book ‘I Thrive. Healing child sexual abuse’ at Amazon.com